Book Reflections - Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions

(Disclaimer: This post took me over a week to write so some of the timeline is off. This was a hard post for me to write.)

"When are you planning to become the person you were born to be? To "recover" your connection to an intended path? On holiday? When the kids leave school? When you get a pay rise? Tick-tock, tick-tock, chisel poised." (Brand 14)

Over the weekend, I finished Russell Brand's book Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions. According to Goodreads, I started this book on July 5, 2018. Also according to Goodreads, I reached page 45 on July 5, 2018, and didn't pick the book back up until October 27, when I started over. And I started over yet again sometime in December.


Last week I started it over for the fourth time and, for the first time, read past page 45.

Let's back up. I originally picked up this book because, first, while I've never been involved in a recovery program, I know many people who have and I find the process inspiring. Second, I wondered what sort of wisdom a Bohemian goof like Russell Brand would be able to offer the world of addiction.

Turns out, a lot.

Because of Brand's book, I realized that I, too, am an addict. Like Brand, I struggle with food addiction. And although Brand has also struggled with more traditional addictions like drugs, alcohol, and pornography, he is also in recovery with food addiction and treats it no less lightly than his former substance abuse.

Instead, my epiphany finally came on page 32 where Brand lists "A 5-point guide to the cycle of addition:"

1. Pain
2. Using an addictive agent, like alcohol, food, sex, work, dependent relationships, to sooth and distract
3. Temporary anesthesia or distraction
4. Consequences
5. Shame and guilt, leading to pain or low self-esteem

In the words of Eckhard Tolle (quoted by Brand, 33), you can see above that "addiction starts with pain and ends with pain."

This was when I broke down and realized I had a choice to make and chose a mantra adapted from a common theme in this text: I needed to have a plan. Not just for life or for career or for marriage. I needed a day-to-day, moment-to-moment plan of how to break this cycle of addition. 

What is it about pain that makes us want to hold on? Is it that the pain is known and what is on the other side of that pain is unknown? Is it that we might fail? I'm not really sure. I think for me, these two reasons are two major factors. I've excused myself for years saying that I'm big-boned, that I have a genetic disorder, that I'm genetically disposed to being overweight, etc. All of these are at least partially true. But does that excuse downing a pink of Ben and Jerry's so that the pain in my digestive track is greater than whatever mental or emotional pain I'm facing in that moment? 

But forever seems so long. It IS so long. What won me over, however, was when Brand stated what should have been obvious to me: 

You don't have to not drink for twenty years today. You don't have to give up white bread for all eternity, right now. And if you do make it through today and wake up tomorrow, what does it really matter than you didn't act out yesterday?...Today is all I have.

I've found this statement to be my saving grace in my past four months of active recovery. In times of craving and tears and pacing, I remind myself that I only have to not gorge today. I only have to feel the pain today. The tears are only for today.

Now, I have friends I can call, creative outlets I can employ, and tactics I have learned to distract my brain. And let's be clear: I am not starving myself. I am not talking about moments of true hunger and need for nourishment. I'm referring to an emotional state where I feel that food (self-destructive food) is the only way to quell subdue the emotional states that I sometimes find myself in.

So, in July of 2018, I admitted that I have a problem. I made some small steps on my own to "fix" the problem, but didn't have much direction. In October, I finally began taking a proactive approach to my health, converted to keto, and changed my mindset to "one day at a time." People often ask me if I plan to be keto forever. My answer is always, "At least for today." Because that's all I have.

If I could have dinner with one person, living or dead, at this point in my life I would choose Russell Brand. He has changed my life. He has possibly saved my life. I am eternally grateful for this profound and profane, tender and raw, work that has put my life on a new trajectory.

What's your plan?




Currently Reading: Song of Ice and Fire: A Game of Thrones (AND OMG WHERE HAVE I BEEN THIS IS AMAZING?!?)

Currently Watching: Ray Donovan

Currently Eating: Roasted Citrus and Herb Red Snapper

Current Favorite Amazon Product: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07KXP7RTG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Y'all. This bento-ish lunch box is AMAZING! It has two large and three medium sized leak-proof containers, plus it has one giant leakproof lid that snaps on to the entire set! It also includes a handled carrying case that has a pocket and kept my lunch nice and cold. 

Recipes of the Week

No one who knows my husband will be shocked to learn that he is a man of habit. He's not fan of recipe experimentation because he likes the "tried and true."

Each week, though, I slip in one or two surprises to titillate the ol' taste buds. I do have the occasional fail, but this week I had two big winners. Neither of these are completely original ideas, but here are my keto-friendly recipes of the week. 

Mexican Style Stuffed Chicken Breast

• 4 chicken breasts
• 1 poblano pepper, quartered lengthwise (alternately, can use jalapeno slices)
• 4 ounces shredded Mexican cheese (cojita, queso fresco, Monterrey jack, etc)
• Approximately 12 slices of bacon (jalapeno flavored preferable!)
• Optional toppings: Sour cream, picante sauce, pickled jalapeno slices

1. Butterfly chicken breasts, then cover with a sheet of parchment paper and pound until very thin
2. Salt and pepper both sides of the chicken
3. Close to one edge of the chicken, place one slice of pepper and about one ounce of shredded cheese. Carefully roll the chicken lengthwise as tightly as possible. If some of the cheese starts coming out, it's ok. 
4. Beginning at one end of the rolled chicken, wrap slices of bacon around the rolled chicken breast. It is ok if the ends are not completely covered. Most chicken breasts take three slices of bacon to completely cover.
5. Place the rolled chicken on a roasting pan or a baking rack (so the bacon can drain as it cooks). 
6. Place in oven preheated to 400 for about 35 minutes. If bacon is not quite crispy on top, broil for 2-3 minutes at the end. 
7. Let sit for about ten minutes before serving with your choice of the optional toppings. 

Cauliflower Latkes

• 1 head of cauliflower rice (approximately 14 ounces)
• 8oz fresh mozzarella, grated
• 1/4 cup of chopped onion
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon pink salt
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 tablespoon Bragg's Nutritional Yeast (on the spice aisle)

1. Microwave cauliflower for about five minutes. When cool enough to handle, squeeze through cheesecloth or layered paper towels to get out the excess moisture. 
2. Meanwhile, mix all of the remaining ingredients. 
3. With a spatula, add the cooled and drained cauliflower into the cheese mixture, folding until it makes a big round ball. Using your fingers or a fork, flatten each ball into a circle about half an inch thick. Push the edges in to keep it round. 
4. Bake at 400 degrees for 12 minutes. Remove from oven and flip each circle with a spatula, then bake for another 10-12 minutes. 
5. Eat as is OR heat a small amount of butter or oil in a skillet and fry for 1-2 minutes per side. 
6. Serve with sour cream. 

Currently Reading: The Paris Wife

Currently Watching: Cowboys vs Seahawks (WILDCARD PLAYOFFS!)

Currently Eating: Bunless bacon cheeseburgers and sauteed zucchini

Current Favorite Amazon Product: 

 

I'm in love with these blue light glasses! I sit at the computer most of the day and get very bad eye fatigue, often including headaches and severe dry eye syndrome. Since using these, I've noticed my eyes don't get nearly as tired. Plus, I'm a big fan of the nerdy look! 

Shaping Up: January 1

Consider the following:

"You don't need more opportunity. You need to learn to execute on the opportunities you already have." -Michael Hyatt

Does that make you angry? Because it made me angry when I first read it. This man doesn't know my life or my circumstances or how much money I make.  How dare he. 

Last January, I stumbled upon an ad for Hyatt's newly released Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals. And I thought, well, the title itself meets my requirements and I have nothing to lose but $20.

The book was released on January 2 and I had it in my hands shortly thereafter. I completed the assessment he recommends (mentioned in yesterday's post; you can take it here). Hyatt divides life into ten aspects: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical, marital, parental, social, vocational, avocational, and financial. Each of these topics is analyzed in the assessment. Obviously, not all areas apply to every person (I'm not a parent). I received my results and was immediately deflated. While I did have two area where I scored highly, I had two others where I scored very, very low. I was not surprised, but I was discouraged.

I admit, I wallowed. And I realized that wallowing was how I had lived my last decade instead of capitalizing on my opportunities. I finished Hyatt's book. I considered the opening quote. And I realized that it was time for me to begin taking ownership of my own opportunities.

So I signed up for a leadership class. I committed to reading 100 books in a year. I began bullet journaling and scheduling out every aspect of my day. I quickly learned that the more I wrote down and scheduled, not only did I get more done, but I also had more time to pursue the things I wanted to do! Basically, when I accepted Hyatt's premise that I needed to execute on my existing opportunities, an increasing amount of opportunity made itself available to me.

Setting and achieving goals isn't usually so scary now. I've gotten in the habit of looking at a large problem and breaking it into tiny, less-than-bite-sized pieces. Just this week, for example...my kitchen has been a disaster this whole holiday season. Every day, my goal has been "clean the kitchen." Besides running the dishwasher so we had clean plates and forks, I was making no progress. Yesterday, I had had enough. I set one goal for myself: clean the range. Today, my goal was to clean two pans that had been "soaking" for longer than I care to admit. I did a little more than I had bargained with myself each time, and tonight I will go to bed with a kitchen cleaner than it's been in a long time. This was accomplished by setting small, concrete goals rather than global, vague goals.

What's a project you haven't accomplished that is weighing on you? What is one small step can you take to make just a tiny bit of progress? I challenge to write down two small, concrete steps you can take towards accomplishing that goal: one step for tomorrow and one for Friday. They can simple, 5 minute tasks. But do them. Then comment and tell me so I can celebrate with you!

Currently Reading: Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions

Currently Watching: University of Texas OWN University of Georgia at the Sugar Bowl

Currently Eating: Sausage and Pepper Bake (Note for Paleo/Keto folks: Read your sausage labels carefully to make sure it doesn't have sugar or undesirable fillers!)

Current Favorite Amazon Product:

Look how fun this is: It's a 5-year journal for those of us bad at journaling. Just answer one question a day and see how your answers change over the years!

Introduction: The Shape of My Life

Just this week, I turned 37 years old. While I am of the generation who came of age at the advent of digital communication, I've never felt the compunction to blog. I didn't feel that I had anything worthwhile to share. (Even retrospectively, I think I was right.)

Let's look back at 2008 Kathryn. Suffice it to say I was a mess. I'll periodically go into more detail in future blogs as relevant, but I had no money, was barely making ends meet, my car was broken beyond repair, and I wasn't doing much about any of it. I wasn't doing ANYTHING about any of it. I was stuck in a cycle of despair and failure. I'll be honest; I did more wallowing in my problems than searching for what I could do to fix them. 

Fast forward to 2016 Kathryn. A lot happened in those eight years: some by virtue of my new job I began in 2010, some by my marriage in 2012, some by hard work, and some by sheer dumb luck (however, as one of my college professors used to say, "In order to be lucky, you have to put yourself in a position to be lucky.")

So why the blog and backstory? Because in 2018, for the first time in my life, I have felt truly satisfied. Let me be clear: My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I have not "arrived," and I am not superior to anyone. 

What has led to this satisfaction is learning how to identify and obtain (or, if not obtain, make great strides towards) my goals. I've learned this through reading (Michael Hyatt is my guru, and I highly recommend taking his assessment annually), trial and error, and listening. Goal-setting used to seem like such an abstract concept to me, and I've learned over the past year that it's actually as concrete as the couch where I'm currently sitting. Goal-setting is only the very first step towards creating the life you want, and that is where many people stop. Achievement is at the other end of that spectrum, but there are so many steps (and blood and sweat and tears) between setting that goal and achieving it. 

So I'm here to chronicle my journey. This blog will cover a gamut of topics ranging from professional to social to health to relationships to whatever else happens to be going on in my life at the time. I really am not sure where this will all take me, but I am compelled to share and encourage. In fact, at least weekly submissions on this blog is one of my goals for the new year. 

Tomorrow is January 1, 2019. I believe that every day is a good day to set a goal, but tomorrow is the obvious choice for a new start. Take a moment to sit down today and think of ONE thing you want to accomplish in 2019. JUST ONE THING. Write it down. 

That's step one of many, but you cannot succeed without that very first step. 

"Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible." -Tony Robbins

Currently eating (NEW YEAR'S EVE MEAL!) Garlic Butter Herb Prime Rib , Cauliflower Gratin, Salmon-Stuffed Bacon-Wrapped Jalepenos, and Keto Buttermilk Pie