Book Reflections - Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions

(Disclaimer: This post took me over a week to write so some of the timeline is off. This was a hard post for me to write.)

"When are you planning to become the person you were born to be? To "recover" your connection to an intended path? On holiday? When the kids leave school? When you get a pay rise? Tick-tock, tick-tock, chisel poised." (Brand 14)

Over the weekend, I finished Russell Brand's book Recovery: Freedom from our Addictions. According to Goodreads, I started this book on July 5, 2018. Also according to Goodreads, I reached page 45 on July 5, 2018, and didn't pick the book back up until October 27, when I started over. And I started over yet again sometime in December.


Last week I started it over for the fourth time and, for the first time, read past page 45.

Let's back up. I originally picked up this book because, first, while I've never been involved in a recovery program, I know many people who have and I find the process inspiring. Second, I wondered what sort of wisdom a Bohemian goof like Russell Brand would be able to offer the world of addiction.

Turns out, a lot.

Because of Brand's book, I realized that I, too, am an addict. Like Brand, I struggle with food addiction. And although Brand has also struggled with more traditional addictions like drugs, alcohol, and pornography, he is also in recovery with food addiction and treats it no less lightly than his former substance abuse.

Instead, my epiphany finally came on page 32 where Brand lists "A 5-point guide to the cycle of addition:"

1. Pain
2. Using an addictive agent, like alcohol, food, sex, work, dependent relationships, to sooth and distract
3. Temporary anesthesia or distraction
4. Consequences
5. Shame and guilt, leading to pain or low self-esteem

In the words of Eckhard Tolle (quoted by Brand, 33), you can see above that "addiction starts with pain and ends with pain."

This was when I broke down and realized I had a choice to make and chose a mantra adapted from a common theme in this text: I needed to have a plan. Not just for life or for career or for marriage. I needed a day-to-day, moment-to-moment plan of how to break this cycle of addition. 

What is it about pain that makes us want to hold on? Is it that the pain is known and what is on the other side of that pain is unknown? Is it that we might fail? I'm not really sure. I think for me, these two reasons are two major factors. I've excused myself for years saying that I'm big-boned, that I have a genetic disorder, that I'm genetically disposed to being overweight, etc. All of these are at least partially true. But does that excuse downing a pink of Ben and Jerry's so that the pain in my digestive track is greater than whatever mental or emotional pain I'm facing in that moment? 

But forever seems so long. It IS so long. What won me over, however, was when Brand stated what should have been obvious to me: 

You don't have to not drink for twenty years today. You don't have to give up white bread for all eternity, right now. And if you do make it through today and wake up tomorrow, what does it really matter than you didn't act out yesterday?...Today is all I have.

I've found this statement to be my saving grace in my past four months of active recovery. In times of craving and tears and pacing, I remind myself that I only have to not gorge today. I only have to feel the pain today. The tears are only for today.

Now, I have friends I can call, creative outlets I can employ, and tactics I have learned to distract my brain. And let's be clear: I am not starving myself. I am not talking about moments of true hunger and need for nourishment. I'm referring to an emotional state where I feel that food (self-destructive food) is the only way to quell subdue the emotional states that I sometimes find myself in.

So, in July of 2018, I admitted that I have a problem. I made some small steps on my own to "fix" the problem, but didn't have much direction. In October, I finally began taking a proactive approach to my health, converted to keto, and changed my mindset to "one day at a time." People often ask me if I plan to be keto forever. My answer is always, "At least for today." Because that's all I have.

If I could have dinner with one person, living or dead, at this point in my life I would choose Russell Brand. He has changed my life. He has possibly saved my life. I am eternally grateful for this profound and profane, tender and raw, work that has put my life on a new trajectory.

What's your plan?




Currently Reading: Song of Ice and Fire: A Game of Thrones (AND OMG WHERE HAVE I BEEN THIS IS AMAZING?!?)

Currently Watching: Ray Donovan

Currently Eating: Roasted Citrus and Herb Red Snapper

Current Favorite Amazon Product: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07KXP7RTG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Y'all. This bento-ish lunch box is AMAZING! It has two large and three medium sized leak-proof containers, plus it has one giant leakproof lid that snaps on to the entire set! It also includes a handled carrying case that has a pocket and kept my lunch nice and cold.